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Apparently This Matters: Drink water, you dummy

Apparently This Matters: Drink water, you dummy
MGN ONLINE
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Sunday, April 21, 2013 - 10:18am

We're all thirsty and we don't even know it.

But an Estonian start-up called Jomi Interactive aims to solve this problem.

Although they're only in a developmental stage right now (Read: Give us your money!), the company managed to turn more than a few heads online this week when prototypes of their new products were featured on TechCrunch and several other websites.

The product is a Jomi band (or sleeve). You attach it around your water bottle and it monitors your fluid intake, reminding you, with sounds and LED indicators, that, perhaps, its time to drink more water.

Or, if you've filled your Nalgene with vodka, then perhaps it's time to stroll through the hallway naked, stealing office supplies.

"Dude, that's my highlighter."

Naturally, the band will also sync up to your mobile device via Bluetooth so you can check your hydration stats. Presumably while you urinate for the next 30 minutes.

What you might actually do with this water-consumption info is sort of a mystery, but I suppose sharing it with friends is no less ridiculous than pontificating over your fantasy football results.

In fact, I'd rather hear all about your fluid intake far more than how many fake points Tom Brady scored in your Week 3 win over the A-Town Booger Heads.

Hopefully, unlike those super-fantasy nerds, Jomi fanatics will eventually give it a rest. Because the start-up claims their crusade is "to make sure we never forget it."

"It" being to drink water.

That, or the Alamo.

So, it'll be interesting to see if this product eventually takes off. Especially since at least one similar product already exists in the market -- the HydraCoach.

(Now with the special Rutgers Edition! When it's time to drink, HydraCoach will call you a homophobic slur and launch basketballs at your head! Operators are standing by!)

Sadly, however, despite all these innovative devices, and despite the fact that water is so important to our health, I don't think I'll ever actually give up on Diet Coke. I'm in the cult. And I'm in it real bad.

But not THAT bad.

You see, the day you start selling black market copper wire to pay for Diet Coke is the day you realize you have a serious problem.

And when you then find yourself missing your kid's T-ball game to slug down 20-ouncers under a bridge with actual addicts, that's when it's time to officially re-evaluate your life.

"Hey, man, beat it! This place is for serious drugs!"

Fortunately, for me, it never came to that. But there was certainly a semi-dangerous period in life where my body's entire liquid intake consisted only of Diet Coke. And I say that without a hint of hyperbole.

On a normal day I would drink three or four cans at work and then come home to literally chug out of a 2-liter bottle from the fridge.

I'm very classy. Chicks dig me.

But they don't dig me nearly as much as my dog, Mikey, who would anxiously stare up into my eyes as I power-blasted "daddy's medicine."

Mikey stared partly because I think he was amazed at what a disgusting, chemically infused human pig I had become. But he also stared because he was (and is) always a grateful recipient of the empty plastic bottle.

Which, for a dog, is basically like getting a new Nintendo 64 every single day. You know, back when that was actually a relevant analogy.

Of course, despite the 100% scientific fact that Diet Coke is made from the tears of angels and unicorns, and carbonated by the gentle vibrations of Art Garfunkel's voice, I believe -- though, some research doesn't necessarily agree -- that a major negative side effect of this addiction is chronic dehydration.

It's fluid. But it's not water.

Either way, it probably wasn't a smart way to live, and I was always parched.

So I've worked out some rules to help ease me back into healthy hydration. Mind you, they're terrible rules, and I routinely bend them to achieve a far more important goal. Namely, to drink more Diet Coke.

I'm enjoying one right now. Loopholes. They're everywhere!

The basic idea is that I can only have Diet Coke on the weekends and days off from work. However, business travel counts as a weekend. And, if Diet Coke is provided free as part of a work lunch or company event, that also negates the not-at-the-office rule.

Additionally, Friday at 12:00:01 a.m. is when weekends officially start. And if I'm going on vacation, the last actual day of work that week counts as a Friday.

Other exceptions include national holidays, important televised soccer matches (including pre- and post-game analysis), and whenever somebody says the secret magic word. Today it's "Synergy."

So, if you're a betting man, the smart money is on another Diet Coke!

I also have a good feeling about the A-Town Booger Heads.

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